The Next Pile

I haven’t always know where my next meal will come from.  There have been days in my life that the food I have eaten was left on my porch by someone (I still don’t know who you are, but I thank you!).  In all of these cases there were also people besides myself in my home to feed.  People who relied on me.  People who were younger than me.  People who I was responsible for.  People who I love.  

I know I should say that because of this I am always grateful for food, that I savour and enjoy everything I eat.  Generally I do.  I am in awe of ladies with kitchen skills,  I will pay a premium for a good steak, I dream of heading back to Turkey for some manta smothered in yogurt.  I have much appreciation for a full fridge and take advantage of everything in my pantry.  But having experienced this uncertainty has also had a negative impact on me.

Because I have known scarcity as a reality, when there is plenty I do not eat what I should.  Living in a society known for over indulgence and wastefulness, I come at food from a different angle.  

This leads to another place I need to declutter: my mind.  For example, there’s a part of me that thinks, “If I eat this food today, there might not be food tomorrow.”  Or  “If I eat a full portion, someone else in my home might still be hungry.”  Although I can currently go to my fridge and see the food that will last for days, my brain still consistently convinces me that the “What Ifs” are sure to become the “See I Told Yous”.

These patterns of thought keep me unhealthy.  I get tired when I shouldn’t.  My body holds onto fat with all it’s might so it doesn’t starve.  My mind doesn’t function at it’s optimum.   I stress without reason, and stress has so many physical symptoms.

When I first started my journey of editing life my home was top priority.  It was too full and chaotic for us to live well.  Now that our stuff is under better control I’m turning my focus to my health, and it’s interesting to see the layers there.  It’s not just do you exercise?  If not, then start.  Do you drink enough water?  If not, then start.  Are you eating properly? If not, then start.  There are reasons behind why we do or do not, and those reasons have to be explored and understood and aligned.  There is much work to do on the inside in order to bear an outside result.

Baby steps were the key to gaining back control of my space.  I literally tackled one pile at a time, one pile a day.  I cleared a path inch by inch.  I wait for one space to consistently say clear before I move to the next.  I am hopeful that looking around my space and seeing tangible spaces of victory will encourage the same as I shift my focus.  Baby steps will be the key again.  Replacing one wrong thought at a time.  Creating one new habit at a time.  Taking one step at a time.  Being willing to go with slow progress. Trusting that it all adds up to get me where I want to go.

Baby steps are hard to trust in and even harder to stick with especially when I want to run.  One step at a time.  Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

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